


A Blessing in Disguise

by inkandwords



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Aomine's Birthday, Attempt at Humor, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Multi, Other, Sexual Humor, atsu fics, happy birthday aomine!, roast SNL style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 13:06:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2230116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkandwords/pseuds/inkandwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aomine Daiki didn't expect to spend his birthday getting roasted by his friends, but a surprise guest at the no-holds barred free-for-all makes him wonder for a second if he can handle the ammunition and if making a fool of himself all for a good cause is enough to get him the birthday wish he was truly after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Blessing in Disguise

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this fic was inspired by [MAGIC!'s _Rude_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIh2xe4jnpk)and after watching videos of the SNL roasts for [Donald Trump](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOlTM297CFE) and [Hugh Hefner](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg1hWO3wDsw), I needed to make it happen for Aomine. Happy birthday to my all-time favorite Miracle! Hope you guys enjoy it! ;D
> 
> -H

"This isn't exactly the way I wanted to spend my birthday."

Kise adjusted Aomine's collar and though he made no sound, Aomine knew he was trying not to laugh. "Stop grumbling, baka. The roast'll be fun. It was supposed to be shot next week, but we're gonna be in Tokyo, so they had to reschedule. Besides, proceeds go to charity. New basketball court plus brand new equipment for the Boys and Girls Club, right? Hold still, will you?" Tugging on the lapel of the sport coat Aomine wore, Kise smoothed his hand down the length of the jacket before grinning in satisfaction. "Told you this would make a difference. You look hot."

"Yeah, that's my goal. To look scorching while I get my ass handed to me by people who think they know me. And just so you know, I'm always hot," Aomine said, a smirk spreading as he slipped an arm around Kise's waist. "But not like you." He dipped his head and brushed the tip of his nose against Kise's, voice low and hinting at desperation. "Don't make me go. We can stay here and you can give me my present."

"Baka Aominecchi." Instantly, Aomine felt Kise flush, the pale skin growing warmer the longer he kept their proximity and when he pulled away chuckling, he noted the tinge of pink that spread across Kise's cheeks; Aomine's favorite tell. "Maybe if you behave, you can have your present later."

"Goddammit." Aomine sighed and reluctantly stepped back completely, dragging a hand down his face. "I don't know how I let you talk me into goin' to this thing. People talk shit about me enough as it is. Dunno how giving them free reign to do it to my face like I'm part of some comedy show is entertaining."

"Maybe not for you..."

"I can feel the love." Aomine scoffed. "Idiot."

"Shut up, you love me."

"We'll see after tonight."

* * *

 

"They're going to drive you out to the dais in one of those little golf cart-looking things," Kise said backstage. "And all you gotta do is sit there until the end when you get up on the podium to close out the show."

"How long am I being tortured again?"

"About an hour and a half, give or take, depending on how long everyone takes with their parts."

It took considerable effort to bite back another retort, though Aomine did nothing to hold in the groan he exaggerated just in case Kise missed the part about Aomine being completely against the whole thing. "Did you find out who's gonna do the shit-talkin'?"

"They wanted it to be a surprise." Grinning, Kise's eyes lit up with excitement. It reminded Aomine of the villains in the old black and whites Kise used to make him watch, the ones that twirled their mustaches and laughed maniacally like they were hatching some evil plan. 

"Yeah, a dick in the ass would be a surprise, too, but I'm sure this'll fuck me over more even more than that. How am I supposed to know what to say about them in the end if I don't know who's gonna be there?"

"That's good! Stuff like that. Say that stuff out there and you won't even notice them saying horrible things about you." Just as he had done with Aomine's jacket before, Kise swept his hands down the length of his own coat, the dark blue blazer stylishly contrasting with the pale yellow v-neck shirt fitted against him. "I'm sure you'll come up with something witty. Or asshole-y. In your case, it would probably be the same thing. Besides, it's kinda your fault for giving people so much ammunition to work with!" Kise laughed when Aomine's jaw fell slack and he cut off the pending protest with a quick kiss. "You know I'm right, baka Aominecchi."

Aomine scowled. "Where are you gonna be again?" 

"Um, in the... crowd." Kise averted his gaze. The newsboy cap angled down to shadow his eyes, partially hiding the yellow-tinted glasses he wore that was more accessory than anything he needed for practical use. 

"Ryouta." Aomine narrowed his eyes. "C'mon, seriously? Ah shit, I  _knew_  there was a reason you wanted to go to this stupid thing so badly."

"Gotta go, Aominecchi!" Planting a kiss on Aomine's cheek, Kise backed away slowly, pointing a finger at Aomine to ensure he wouldn't follow. "Remember I love you, have fun, and don't kill anyone on stage. The show's live!" Kise flashed one of his famous thousand-watt smiles and, before Aomine could protest further, disappeared around the corner.

* * *

 

Music blared from the speakers as the audience cheered around them. The photo montage of Aomine, dating back to his middle school days, played across the large screen behind where he was supposed to sit. Each picture had words comically splashed on the page, meant to embarrass him, but despite his clammy hands, he smirked as the spotlight landed on him and bobbed his head to G-Dragon's  _One of a Kind_  blasting around them to pump up the crowd.

"And if it isn't the man, himself," came the voice that resonated above the music.

Aomine froze, his eyes widening a fraction.

_You've gotta be fucking kidding me. I'm gonna kill him._

"You all know him as the BMOC, badass power forward for the Los Angeles Lakers and I know him as Mr. Don't-worry-I-got-the-lube. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for NBA superstar and two-time MVP winner, Aomine Daiki!" Aomine's jaw dropped. Kise threw him a wink, the smirk plastered on his face rivaling the one Aomine wore only a moment ago. "Or as I like to fondly call him -- 'Aominecchi'."

The crowd erupted into a clapping frenzy, wolf whistles and cat calls directed at him as Aomine took his seat. He glanced at the raised platforms on the dais and palmed his face, chuckling to himself. Though the identities of each person remained shadowed until they were introduced, Aomine had a pretty good idea who each one was. "I'm Kise Ryouta and I'll be your Roast Master tonight. Let's give it up for the first roaster joining us-- that's weird, where'd he go? I could've sworn he was right there!" Kise paused, hand visored as he squinted into the roasters' pit despite the fact that the spotlight shone directly on Kuroko after it passed him a few times on purpose. "Oh! There you are. If you'd stop disappearing, Kurokocchi, I wouldn't need to send out a search party!" Kise laughed and waved at Kuroko, the former phantom sixth offering a quiet smile and a good-natured wave in return before he acknowledged the crowd. "Kuroko Tetsuya, everyone!"

As it turned out, every former member of the Generation of Miracles landed a spot in the roasting pit. Even Kagami Taiga, now Mr. Bigshot himself as the New York Knicks' power forward and by some stroke of coincidence, also Aomine's best friend, took up a seat next to Aomine's old teammates. If there was anyone who had enough ammunition to torture him with, it would be any one of them. All of them given the floor at the same time? Aomine could only pray so much. He shook his head and gave a snort of amusement while he mouthed " _you fucking traitor_ " to a mockingly incredulous Kagami, who only flipped him off and laughed in response. Sakurai, Momoi, and Imayoshi were next and when it was time to introduce the last and final face, Aomine sucked in a breath and groaned. 

"Kasamatsu Yukio! Senpai, I would like to remind you that I'm wearing padding, so I'm fully prepared for any spontaneous ass-kicking you're gonna give out like someone who couldn't hack anger management." Kasamatsu waved to the crowd and teasingly jabbed a finger in Kise's direction before he joined in on the clapping. "Now as much as I'd like to keep talking because I know you all can't get enough, I'm gonna let Kurokocchi take over." He gestured for Kuroko to come up in his place. "Hey, when did you have time to get a milkshake?"

Kuroko nodded and smiled as he passed Kise, leaning on the podium before he quietly retorted, "While you were busy listening to the sound of your own voice, Kise-kun." His response was met with an exaggerated huff from Kise and a round of laughter from the audience. "Besides, Kagami-kun finished off a dozen burgers and you didn't even notice. I guess not everyone falls under your stalker radar." He paused and directed his gaze at Aomine, deadpanned and impervious to the half-amused, half-terrified glare. "Speaking of stalkers, I see where you learned your skills in that department, Kise-kun. Aomine-kun probably knows Mai-chan's bra size from the way he cups his hands over her chest as he falls asleep to her newest magazine. The only one that can beat you at masturbation is you, right Aomine-kun?"

Aomine resisted the urge to flip Kuroko off before he jokingly called out, "Look who's stalkin' now, Tetsu! I knew that was you at the window while I was jackin' off the other night!" Laughter erupted and Aomine was pleased to see Kuroko flush at the comment despite being the instigator. 

Though Aomine was more than a little anxious for the night to be over, as it wore on, he found that it wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be. Some of the things said were pretty hilarious and he was glad that not only was he getting roasted to ganguro perfection, but so was everyone else. And they all had a damn good time doing it. 

"If Aomine ever learned how to actually cook," Kagami concluded after rounding out the panel from Akashi's questionable haircut to Sakurai's profuse apologies about being alive, "I'd be just as surprised as the day Kise actually beats him in a one-on-one. And no, boiling water doesn't count. What are you guys going on, now? Your millionth game? Maybe if Kise paid more attention to the basketball instead of Aomine's balls, he might actually win a game or two. Guess Aomine's 'ball'-handling skills aren't just on the court, huh? Balls, rims - he knows the perfect way to score with Kise. At least that's what he likes to tell himself. What was it you always said, dumbass?" Kagami's grin stretched wide as he waited for Aomine's timed retort. 

"'The only one who can beat me is me.'"

"Oh wait, guess that means you should change your name to Kagami Taiga then, huh?"

"Knew that was coming, asshole," Aomine said, laughing as Kagami slapped him a high five and returned to his seat.

Sakurai was next, fumbling with the mic, the audio feedback that screeched out of the speakers making everyone flinch. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I guess I'm just nervous because I have a bento box in the back room. I'm afraid that Aomine-kun's senses will start tingling and he'll make a dive for it even before I've had a bite. I've tried to help him make his own. I'd say I was sorry, but I guess being a lazy bum with a fetish for looking at soft-core porn while he turns the fried squid into charcoal doesn't count as skills in the kitchen. I wonder if telling him the mounds of rice could be made to look like Kise-san's rear would have made him more motivated to learn how to make his own bento boxes?" That earned a laugh from the audience, the loudest one coming from Kise while he stood and turned, mockingly squeezing his ass at Aomine.

"Don't start giving me ideas!" Aomine called out and waggled his brows while Sakurai finished off the rest of his jabs.

"Ahem," Momoi began, pursing her lips in that way she always did right before every lecture she'd ever given Aomine. All eyes turned to her and Aomine was no exception. "Dai-chan, eyes up here." She pointed up towards her face and tsked in mocking reproach. "Honestly, if you thought about your classes as much as you thought about boobs, you'd be the Akashi Seijuurou of our generation. Except he has better hair." She wrinkled her nose at Akashi and mockingly squinted. "Okay, maybe I take that back. Playing with the scissors again, Akashi-kun?"

Akashi made 'snip snip' gestures as a hint of a smile crossed his lips. If Akashi could take the comical jabs with a fair amount of grace, Aomine supposed it couldn't hurt for him to take a page out of his former captain's book. Then again, Akashi was the one that made the earlier comment about the last time Aomine turning whipped bitch for someone before Kise came along was when he followed every order from Akashi like it was the word of God. And in this case, it was a red-haired god carrying a pair of scissors waiting for an excuse to test someone's reflexes.

Finally, as Momoi took her seat again, Kasamatsu replaced her at the podium. He looked more smug than Aomine had ever seen him and while everyone else's jokes and embarrassing stabs at all his flaws were enough torture, he knew Kasamatsu had the most ammunition of all who came to roast him that night. After all, it was Kasamatsu that Kise went to when they fought, Kasamatsu who had to pick up the pieces the first time Aomine had broken Kise's heart, and Kasamatsu who had to endure all of the dirt and nuances Kise no doubt divulged to his best friend every time Aomine did something wrong. Which was often. Aomine was well aware the former Kaijou captain was more likely to punch him in the face than give his blessing when it came to Kise and Aomine's relationship. And though Aomine didn't care much for people's opinions in general, he cared about Kasamatsu's if only for the sole reason that over the years, he'd become the most important confidant in Kise's life aside from his family and Aomine himself.

Kasamatsu seemed to take his time with the jokes directed at everyone else, however; it was as though he knew how much Aomine had been anticipating what he had to say, knew how much it weighed heavily on his mind, knew exactly how much of an impact his words would eventually have on Touou's former ace. Even Kise looked apprehensive, a tightness in his expression that threw Aomine off visible at quick glance. 

"As much as I'd like to keep going on about useless information that we can all probably get from Oha Asa's horoscope readings tomorrow morning, I'd really like to touch on the fact that they've gotten a celebrity in the dais. Snoop Dogg is really hard to book these days. Oh wait, the stoner look threw me off for a second. Sorry about that, Murasakibara. I didn't mean to offend you and suddenly have a pair of homicidal scissors jabbed at my face." He pretended to pause and listened into an earpiece Aomine was pretty sure didn't exist before he continued. "Oh, crap. Wrong 'Miracle'. You guys are all the same that sometimes I forget which is which. All I know is that you're all monsters and you all ask 'how high' whenever Akashi tells you to jump. Maybe I should've taken pointers, huh? I could've used some help with getting Kise to keep his mouth shut every once in a while. But I guess kicking him in the face like the good senpai I am works, too."

This earned a hearty laugh from the audience and even had Kise standing up and exaggerating a show of his padding as he beat against the thick material like Tarzan making a stand. 

"Aomine knows how to make Kise shut up. Never knew anyone who could take blondie head on with that mouth of his running a mile a minute, but I guess it helps if you've got your dick up his ass." Kasamatsu held up a hand in Aomine's direction. "Don't worry, I won't be trying that method." The crowd laughed again. "All in all, I suppose you're all right. I thought you were a heartless bastard at first, but if Kuroko can make you cry tears that would put Kise's water works to shame, I guess you do have a heart after all. Makes it easier to forgive the asshole tendencies and the overly large ego that even Akashi Seijuurou's money couldn't afford a zip code for." He stepped away from the podium and walked toward Aomine, hand outstretched. "You took this pretty well, considering. Now if you'll only lay off on the tanning cream, there might be hope for you yet."

Aomine took Kasamatsu's hand and gave it a hearty shake, somewhat relieved that Kise's volatile best friend was done with his tirade. If Aomine hadn't known any better, the roast might have also sounded like he was voicing his approval after all this time. Aomine shook his head and scoffed so quietly that he was sure no one else had heard him. That was, until Kasamatsu leaned in close enough that Aomine felt the heat of his breath as thunderous claps erupted from everyone around them. "About the question you asked me before; the answer's yes. After what I've seen tonight, I guess there isn't really a good reason for me to say no. Consider this your birthday present, Aomine. Don't fuck it up."

* * *

 

"See? That wasn't so bad, right?" Kise's smile stretched from ear to ear when Aomine finally managed to steal him away after the show and after-party had wrapped up. 

"You couldn't have warned me that Yukio was gonna be part of the whole damn thing? I was sweating buckets, for fuck's sake. Thought he was gonna see the hand prints on my slacks when he walked over. I'm surprised he didn't notice it when he shook my hand." Aomine laughed and Kise joined in, the sound comforting and familiar, easing away any lingering anxiety Aomine felt about the whole ordeal. "Or maybe he did, but didn't wanna look grossed out on live t.v."

"What did senpai say to you? After he was done with his part?"

"Huh? When?" Aomine attempted nonchalance, but Kise always found a way to wrangle it out of him, even if oftentimes took some considerable effort. 

"C'mon, baka. You know you're gonna tell me eventually. It might as well be now. I'll get it out of senpai later if you don't tell me now, anyway, so might as well tell me yourself."

"Well, if you're gonna ask him anyway..."

" _Aominecchi!_ " The signature pout jutted out Kise's bottom lip, his voice carrying that unmistakable whine Aomine had grown to find endearing. "What did he say?"

Aomine sighed. "Did anyone ever tell you that you're good at ruining surprises?"

"I don't ruin surprises! Well, okay, there was that one time with Kurokocchi when he was trying to figure out what Kagamicchi was up to and then that one time with Himurocchi and the birthday cake from Murasakibaracchi, but--"

"Pretty sure you just made it harder for me to tell you, but since there really isn't a whole lot of time before my birthday ends, I guess it couldn't hurt. As long as you promise me one thing."

Kise huffed impatiently. "Just tell me already and I'll do whatever you want!"

"If I wasn't so pressed for time, I would've milked that more than what I'm asking for. But okay." Aomine sucked in a breath and held it for a second before he exhaled slowly. He took a step toward Kise and then another, closing the proximity between them as he leaned close. The smell of lavender hit him then, Kise's signature scent forever reminding him of home no matter how girly it seemed. When he spoke again, the small tremor in his voice betrayed the nervousness he felt, despite the fact that Kasamatsu had given him the final piece to the short birthday list he had that year. "You know how it's legal for us to get married in California now?"

He felt Kise tense and Aomine waited to see if a response was coming, but when he was met with silence, he continued. "I asked for Kasamatsu's blessing. I told him he doesn't have to tolerate me; hell, he doesn't even have to like me. But I said that if I was gonna do anything right, I wanted this to be one of them and he could even use my birthday as an excuse to give it to me. He's important to you. What he thinks, how he feels about us. So it's important to me, too. So I told him that for my birthday, I wanted his blessing. Can't ask you to marry me otherwise."

Kise swallowed, the sound audible in the pin-drop silence that followed Aomine's admission. "And he said?"

Aomine chuckled and pressed a kiss just below Kise's ear. "He said yes." He pulled away enough to rest his forehead against Kise's, his heart drumming in his ears and hammering in his chest loud enough that he was convinced Kise could hear the erratic beats. "I think your answer should be the same."

"To what question?" 

"Marry me."

"I knew the roast was a good idea."

"Ryouta..."

Kise laughed, smooth and clear and musical; Aomine's favorite sound. "Yes, baka Aominecchi. And you call me the idiot." He scoffed before a grin spread wide across his face. "My answer will always be yes." Kise kissed him, slow and purposeful, languid; the kind of kiss Aomine could get used to for more birthdays to come. "Happy birthday, Daiki."

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr @ [limitlessmonster](http://limitlessmonster.tumblr.com). :D


End file.
